Tools And How To Use Them

SkillSaw

Skil Saw:

A portable cutting tool used to make boards too short.

BeltSander

Belt Sander:

An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

WireWheel

Wire Wheel:

Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, ‘Oh crap !’.

DrillPress

Drill Press:

A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

ChannelLocks

Channel Locks:

Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

HackSaw

Hacksaw:

One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle… It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

ViceGrips

Vise-Grips:

Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OxyTorch

Oxyacetylene Torch:

Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your shop and creating a fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TableSaw

Table Saw:

A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

Very effective for digit removal !!

Jack

Hydraulic Floor Jack:

Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BandSaw

Band Saw:

A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut large pieces into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge. Also good for Digit Removal !

2tonHoist

Two-Ton Engine Hoist:

A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of all the crap you forgot to disconnect.

PhillipsScresdriver

Phillips Screwdriver:

Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

FlatScrewdriver

Straight Screwdriver:

A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PryBar

Pry Bar:

A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

PVCPipeCutter

PVC Pipe Cutter:

A tool used to make plastic pipe too short.

Hammer

Hammer:

Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UtilityKnife

Utility Knife:

Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.